Waiting for the Unknown

When I was in college I began truly praying about the man who God would have for me to marry.  I made a list of all the things that I was praying for in a husband and dad to my kids.  Some people thought I was a little crazy, but when I met Joel I began "ticking off" all the boxes of what I had been praying for.  When I realized that he met each box, I was honestly a little scared of messing things up.

I wasn't too shy about letting him know about how I felt about him.  In fact, I just came out and told him about my prayer and about how he was everything that everyone else was not.  But let's be honest, we were just kids.  I was only 19 when I first met Joel.  In his wisdom (even at a young age), he told me that because we were so young and we had school to focus on...maybe we should wait to date.

I understood  his meaning, but thus began a waiting game.  Days...weeks...months...a year later before we made any kind of commitment to date.  I should have been a carefree college student during that year--enjoying life, but I found myself worrying if I was wasting my time waiting.  I did not know how long the wait would be, and I did not even know if after waiting he would eventually tell me that his feelings were not the same anymore.  You see, during that year we did not talk about dating or our feelings, because we had made the commitment to wait to date.  I remember going to my dorm room (a few times) and crying just because I was so confused--and a large part of me did not want to wait.  I wanted to have that security of knowing that he felt the same way about me as I did about him.  I did not like the "unknown" and I did not like the indefinite waiting-----even though I knew that it was a good thing to wait.

It is funny how history repeats itself.  Really I think that God uses these little lessons to prepare us for bigger things.  Here now, we both are waiting.  We began our adoption journey more than a year ago and expected at this point to be very close to picking up our precious child.  But...we are waiting.

We are waiting on a sweet little girl that we met in a foster home last year.  There have been ways over the past 7 months that we felt that God was telling us that she is the one, but we just don't know yet.  I am this time choosing to have faith.  Unlike last time, now when fears creep up in my mind, I tell myself that I will not let my "worries" control my thoughts.  Thoughts like..."What if she is not in the pool of kids that we are qualified to adopt by the country's standards?"  "What if someone else gets her paperwork before we do?"  "What if her needs are more than we can provide for?"  "What if....."

I will not let myself dwell on those things.  I just have to trust.  God put her on my heart for some reason.  I cannot deny that.  If in the end, after this long wait, we are told that we are not the ones that have been chosen, I will be honored that I was able to pray for her maybe even when her adoptive parents did not even know her yet in order to pray specifically.


Our social worker has sent us a few pictures and details about other kids, but I can't seem to even consider anyone else until I know for sure about this precious child that I am praying for.  I feel like I need to have faith that he has a great purpose in the "wait."