Quarantined

This week was very eventful.  I woke up Monday morning, chatted with a friend from back in the states, and then started my morning exercise routine.  About 12 minutes in I realized that I didn't feel so great.  I stopped, laid on the bed, and then just began to feel more and more uneasy.  I never finished my exercise but found myself lying around most all morning.  When we did get out later that day I felt even more lousy.  Such began my week of being quarantined.

No, don't worry.  I never actually left my house, but I didn't really leave my bedroom either.  From Tuesday to Friday I stayed in bed except for an occasional trip to the bathroom or an occasional trip to get medicine or water.  I guess it was the flu?!!???  Whatever it was, I hope we don't meet again.

I watched enough TV, internet, cell phone apps, and read enough of books that now all I want to do is anything but those 4 things!  As I sat in my bed, bored out of my mind, I began to wonder about what I could possibly write about this week.

And just like that...this thought came.

Quarantined.  Lying in bed day after day watching the world go by.  Seeing short glimpses of those you love....who seem to be really enjoying life.  Also feeling like you can't get too close to anyone or you might rub off of them..but also seeing that they don't have much of a desire to get too close either.  Filling your time with worthless things...just trying to forget how miserable you feel.  Taking medicine that doesn't cure the symptoms but just masks over them.  Feeling pain and achy.  Not knowing when it will end or what the next day will hold...

It all reminded me of how I felt before I became a Christian.  I remember watching the world around me and feeling like a lot of the people had real joy.  But I also remember feeling a little scared to get too close and feeling like they probably didn't want to get too close anyway.  I remember trying to fill my time and my energy on things that would distract me from how I really felt.  Those things just masked over the problem, but didn't take any of the problems away.  I felt sad and lonely and miserable and didn't see any end in sight.

But praise the LORD, 20 years ago (this September), God changed all of that and brought me out!  Thank you, Jesus, for giving me LIFE and PEACE and JOY that I never could have even imagined.

(As for the adoption, we are still asking God to let us know about our Sweet Girl by her birthday which is soon.  I hope to bring you good news this time next week.  :-)

This Is The Way; Walk In It

This week Joel and I started talking more to some doctors and a couple of other friends we know about this precious child that we want to adopt.  Last week I told you that it is a walk of faith --to not worry and to trust that He will tell us in His time if we are the ones for her.  That is still so true.  However I want to be very real with you.  Even if they send her file to our family, there is a decision that we have to make.  Things are never easy.  (I wish that getting her file was the end of all my temptation to worry.)

As I was walking down the street this week I started thinking a little more about that.  Things are never easy.  The drama never completely goes away.  We never get to the place where there are ...no concerns...no "what ifs".  There is such a beauty in that ...but I think we miss it sometimes.  If you are anything like me, you don't like the uncertainty.  However it is in those uncertainties that our faith is made stronger.  Unfortunately I have heard countless men preach something much different and I have watched friends fall for their lies.  A quote like the following, “It’s God’s will for you to live in prosperity instead of poverty. It’s God’s will for you to pay your bills and not be in debt. It’s God’s will for you to live in health and not in sickness all the days of your life.”  To me that sounds like: as a Christian, God doesn't desire that your life be filled with uncertainties.

 Well, friends, I just don't see that in God's Word.  In fact, the Bible promises suffering.  It promises persecution.  (Might I also add that most all of those in the Bible who were following the Lord had their own struggles and were far from wealthy.)   Take a look at the Fruits of the Spirit in Galatians: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  When things are easy, I do pretty good--and in my pride I think that I don't need God's help.  It's when things are tough in my life that the Spirit shines the brightest for others to see.  So you see, I need suffering.  I don't need things to be easy (even though I might need to be reminded of this occasionally--OK, really often!) I need the uncertainties to draw me closer to Him. I don't need prosperity or health to make me feel secure.  What I need is to find my refuge in the Lord.

I honestly do look back at the most difficult times of my life with a thankful heart.   It is in those times that I drew closer to the Lord and my faith was increased.  I want my prayer to be that of James 1:2-5  --  Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

 I didn't tell you this last week, but for a while now I have felt led to pray that we would receive this precious girl's file before her birthday.  Her birthday is soon approaching, so I am expecting to receive it in the next two weeks.  It's so exciting, but I know that we have a big decision to make.  Even though I want more than anything to adopt this sweet child, we need to see that God is leading in that way--so that when times get tough...we have "the stones to remember."  

Please pray for us that even though the information will not be complete and there will be many unanswered questions, that we will know which way to go...that we will hear the Lord say, "This is the way; walk in it." 

Waiting for the Unknown

When I was in college I began truly praying about the man who God would have for me to marry.  I made a list of all the things that I was praying for in a husband and dad to my kids.  Some people thought I was a little crazy, but when I met Joel I began "ticking off" all the boxes of what I had been praying for.  When I realized that he met each box, I was honestly a little scared of messing things up.

I wasn't too shy about letting him know about how I felt about him.  In fact, I just came out and told him about my prayer and about how he was everything that everyone else was not.  But let's be honest, we were just kids.  I was only 19 when I first met Joel.  In his wisdom (even at a young age), he told me that because we were so young and we had school to focus on...maybe we should wait to date.

I understood  his meaning, but thus began a waiting game.  Days...weeks...months...a year later before we made any kind of commitment to date.  I should have been a carefree college student during that year--enjoying life, but I found myself worrying if I was wasting my time waiting.  I did not know how long the wait would be, and I did not even know if after waiting he would eventually tell me that his feelings were not the same anymore.  You see, during that year we did not talk about dating or our feelings, because we had made the commitment to wait to date.  I remember going to my dorm room (a few times) and crying just because I was so confused--and a large part of me did not want to wait.  I wanted to have that security of knowing that he felt the same way about me as I did about him.  I did not like the "unknown" and I did not like the indefinite waiting-----even though I knew that it was a good thing to wait.

It is funny how history repeats itself.  Really I think that God uses these little lessons to prepare us for bigger things.  Here now, we both are waiting.  We began our adoption journey more than a year ago and expected at this point to be very close to picking up our precious child.  But...we are waiting.

We are waiting on a sweet little girl that we met in a foster home last year.  There have been ways over the past 7 months that we felt that God was telling us that she is the one, but we just don't know yet.  I am this time choosing to have faith.  Unlike last time, now when fears creep up in my mind, I tell myself that I will not let my "worries" control my thoughts.  Thoughts like..."What if she is not in the pool of kids that we are qualified to adopt by the country's standards?"  "What if someone else gets her paperwork before we do?"  "What if her needs are more than we can provide for?"  "What if....."

I will not let myself dwell on those things.  I just have to trust.  God put her on my heart for some reason.  I cannot deny that.  If in the end, after this long wait, we are told that we are not the ones that have been chosen, I will be honored that I was able to pray for her maybe even when her adoptive parents did not even know her yet in order to pray specifically.


Our social worker has sent us a few pictures and details about other kids, but I can't seem to even consider anyone else until I know for sure about this precious child that I am praying for.  I feel like I need to have faith that he has a great purpose in the "wait."